A Quarterly Existential Crisis
I don't know if I'm going to be someone who blogs. I mean I made this thing months ago when I moved, and I was feeling good about this whole next stage thing that has been thrust upon me. Since then, the momentum tapered off, and I sit here on a Thursday afternoon, not knowing where any of this goes. By this I mean of course the cosmic concept of life, but more specifically how I plan to exert agency upon the world, and have gratitude for that very same world that I continue to live in.
I could complain about the great injustices placed upon me and my peers as it pertains to my field of study, the timing of the landmark events of the past couple of decades, and the incomprehensible horrors that we are exposed to every waking day. But at the same time, explaining how little agency I have in this world doesn't make the problem go away, and being ungrateful for the great things that happen to me that I had no role in coming to pass, that won't help me either. Not as just a deflecting "it could be worse", or a "every day is a personalized ray of sunshine custom made for my enjoyment" kind of gratitude. That sounds empty to me, and lacking any real perception of the goings-on outside of your immediate brainspace. It's more of a revolutionary gratitude. I have the ability to experience these hardships with my peers, to be brought together under this banner of mutual trauma. To be faced with real problems, that require big, dramatic changes. My people are rising up across the world, under the unified banner of "this sucks, and nobody is coming to save us".
I'm truly a wuss, I'm not some front-line activist type who stands on the street and yells until someone answers. I sit at home, and I think, and I learn, and I show up for my people. I truly believe it is revolutionary to show up. I mean so many of the foundations of our daily living are designed to distract, to confuse, or to dull the human spirit. A burnt out populous is easier to control.
I don't really fit into this society's plans. And not just me, but the billions of people across the world being tossed aside by the institutions that be for one reason or another. Most of those people are understandably burnt out, and pacified. But even as I sit here, genuinely depressed about my future, the only thing I could think to do was to write, to create, and to share my experience with whoever accidentally stumbles upon this one day. Honestly that person might just be me in a few weeks. I don't have to fit in this society to have agency. I'll just make my own.